A Definition of Unconditional Love

Love without condition

"I love you as you are, as you seek to find your own special way to relate to the world, or the way you feel that is right for you. It is important that you are the person you want to be and not someone that I or others think you should be."

I realize that I cannot know what is best for you although perhaps sometimes I think I do. I've not been where you have been, viewing life from that angle you have, I do not know what you have chosen to learn, how you have chosen to learn it, with whom, or in what time period. I have not walked life looking through your eyes, so how can I know what you need. 

I allow you to be in the world without a thought or word of judgment from me about the deeds you undertake. I see no error in the things you say and do, in this place where I am. I see that there are many ways to perceive and experience the different facets of our world. I allow without reservation the choices you make in each moment. 

I make no judgment of this for if I were to deny your right to evolution, then I would deny that right to myself and all others. To those who would choose a way I cannot walk, whilst I may not choose to add my power and my energy to this way, I will never deny you the gift of love that God has bestowed within me for all creation, as I love you so I shall be loved; as I sow, so I shall reap. 

I allow you the universal right of free will to walk your own path, creating steps or to sit a while if that is what is right for you. I will make no judgment of these steps, whether they are large or small, nor light or heavy or that they lead up or down, for this is just my viewpoint. I see you do nothing and might judge it to be unworthy. And yet, it may be that you bring great healing as you stand blessed by the light of God. 

I cannot always see the higher picture of divine order. For it is the inalienable right of all life to choose their own evolution and with great love I acknowledge your right to determine your future. In humility I bow to the realization that the way I see is best for me does not have to mean that it is also right for you. I know that you are led as I am following the inner excitement to know your own path. 

I know that the many races, religions, customs, nationalities and beliefs within our world bring us great richness and allow us the benefit of teachings of such diverseness. I know we each learn in our own unique way in order to bring that love and wisdom back to the whole. I know that if there were only one way to do something, there would need to be only one person. I will not only love you if you behave in a way I think you should, or believe in those things I believe in. I understand you are truly my brother and sister though you may have been born in a different place and believe in another God than I. 

The love I feel is for all of God's world. I know that every living thing is part of God and I feel a love deep within every person, and every tree, and flower, every bird, river, ocean and for all the creatures in all the world. I live my life in loving service being the best me I can, becoming wiser in the perfection of divine truth, becoming happier in the joy of unconditional love.

Tips, tricks and advice for relationship for teens, girls and women

Here are some things you can do to make the sparks of romance fly:

While your loved one is at work, use your spare key to open their car door and place roses and a card in their driver's seat. This will show your loved one your true feelings.

Don't buy your loved one a commercial type card to declare your love. Make them one and send it to them in the mail, even if you live together. The card will surprise your loved one!

Give your loved one a small decorated box.  On the inside flap write "These are 50 of the many reasons why I love you."  Create 50 brightly-colored folded strips of paper inside with various phrases...all declaring your love.  Fill each strip of paper with something very personal and include some special surprises like a gift certificate to their favorite spa.

Spend the night outdoors together on a really warm, clear night.  Name a star after him/her and register that name on-line.

Cook the love of your life what will be a favorite meal.  Use candles, a bottle of red or white wine, then follow this up with a back and neck massage.  Do this “just because” and ask for nothing in return.  For message oils use sandalwood, lavender or ylang ylang. The art is to please your loved one.  Watch the night just sizzle!

Send your loved one on a scavenger hunt.  Have him find his goodies (prepaid and waiting) at the bakery, deli, wine store etc., and when he gets home meet him at the door in something very sheer.  Feed him blindfolded  and then hand him a Polaroid camera and tell him to have a ball!

Have a “conversation a day” (on the phone or at home) where you whisper to the other person and let them know you love them and miss them.  Your whisper will capture their attention.

The most effective Flirting Tips for Women to atttract their Man

Flirting Tips for Women - Nurture Romantic Ideas and Rituals

Couples are forever looking for ways to strengthen or enhance their love life.  

A very simple and effective way to steal away for some quality time together is to establish a time to meet each day.  

This can easily be arranged over the lunch hour and after dinner hours.

One idea is to arrange a time to meet for a drink of tea, or whatever type of drink that you prefer.  If possible, arrange to meet in your home where you are assured of privacy.  

With tea, enjoy a bite to eat when you can.  While polishing off your pot of tea, simply sit for 30 minutes or so and discuss how your day is going and make any plans ahead for the coming week. 

This can be a rather intimate time for the two of you and can become a regular ritual.

Many couples with children often want to know how they can add romance to their relationship being surrounded by children. 

The regular meeting ritual is one way that couples can both spend some special time alone while setting a wonderful example for the children that their mom and dad really love each other.

For parents with small children, it might be impossible to spend quiet time alone together until after the children are put to bed. The importance of the ritual is the uninterrupted time spent together. 

Whatever means you use to be able to do that consistently will pay off in the romance department, now and well into the future.

How to make your man more romantic

Flirting Tips for Girls

Some men just aren’t in tune with their romantic side. Fortunately, most men can be taught, given the right attitude. Proceed carefully and don't ever pressure your man into romance. Here are some initial tips:

The golden rule is to lead by example.  

Remember, you want your man to take the lead, but, on his terms, not yours.  Start by pampering him. Do what he likes to do best -- even if that is drinking with the chums, playing a video game, or just watching TV on a Saturday night.  

Doing this, a spicy ending to any of these activities will be much more favorable for him. Afterwards, show him you'd appreciate similar attention towards you, and eventually he'll get the bigger picture.

Take charge of a great night out with your man. 

Plan an entire night on the town and then let your man just come along for the ride. Women need to appreciate just how difficult it can be for the man to always be the one to find creative and fun things to do. 

It can be very romantic for the man when his lady takes charge in this way, finding a new restaurant and activity for them to enjoy.  The man can find this very exciting and will be open to romance afterwards, once an enjoyable evening has been spent together.

Turn romance into a competitive game. 

Alternate planning weekly date nights with your man and plan an activity that will appeal to his competitive nature.  Men will often want to take the lead here because they find great pleasure in outdoing their mate.

Finally, make sure your man knows how much you appreciate the little things that he does for you.  

This can be cooking a great meal when you are tired, opening the car door for you, treating you to a chocolate heart when you are feeling blue, any number of thoughtful, little things.  

Make a point of mentioning that he does this for you in front of your friends and watch the envy of the other ladies ooze all over the place!  Your man will take notice and feel loved!  Romantic moments should quicken with this plan!

There are definite things that you can do to encourage your man’s romantic nature.  All he may need is a little suggestion, knowing how much he is appreciated and a few well thought out challenges to get his creative juices flowing.

Simple tips for helping your relationship to stay healthy

Use these quick and easy ideas to help your relationship stay fun

Showing someone that you care and that they are special to you does not need to be complicated.  Some of the most touching ways of saying I LOVE YOU are the simplest and most appreciated.

Adapt just a few today and watch as your love life takes wings.....and flies!

• Give or get a hug for no reason 
  
• Tell the other person that they are important and respected
  
• Kiss them when people are looking
  
• Kiss them when people aren't looking
  
• Tell the other person that you care deeply
  
• Hold hands to show support
  
• Go together for a long bike ride
  
• Give a special present/give any present
  
• Tell them you are there for them when they need you most
  
• Spend quality time together every day
  
• Enjoy a film together and put your arm around him or her during the story
  
• Walk arm in arm through the woods
  
• Compose a special tape of love songs just for him or her
  
• Open up and share your feelings
  
• Open up and share your dreams with each other
  
• On a cold day snuggle up together/do this on any day just because
  
• Sit for a long while together in the park
  
• Take a long walk together
  
• Enjoy a meal together and you pay
  
• Enjoy a picnic indoors and roll around together on the floor
  
• Enjoy an outdoor game of Frisbee together
  
• Pay lots of lovely compliments
  
• Get all heated up and relax in a Jacuzzi
  
• Go for a hearty swim together
  
• Feel close together and just relax
  
• Shop for dinner together and you pay
  
• Cook a good meal together and you do the dishes
  
• Offer a loving touch
  
• Plan and go on a wild trip together
  
• Host a party for all of your mutual friends
  
• Bake a yummy cake
  
• Be quiet together in a library
  
• Cultivate your culture and browse in a museum
  
• Always be there for him or her
  
• Find out what's meaningful for the other person - and then join with them
  
• Get in good shape together
  
• Look deeply into his or her eyes and just gaze
  
• Wash your loved one’s car by hand
  
• Land that big fish together/you bait your own hook
  
• Talk to each other about everything
  

FRIENDSHIP RINGS

From just a few buttons and pipe cleaners your children can make their own friendship rings. Measure a piece of pipe cleaner to wrap around your finger, and leave some extra length to twist. slide through button shank, twist ends. Note: There are also many variations to this activity, you can make a neat bracelet by adding several buttons. You can also make a necklace by adding a few buttons on a string.

WHEN A FRIEND MOVES AWAY

Your child will be upset when a good friend moves away, even if you are the one that´s been transferred their feelings will start emerging in a number of ways. Understandably they will be sad and maybe even a bit angry. There are several things you can do to help them work through this anxious time. First make sure you listen to them, they will have questions about how their life may change, or fears that they won´t be able to make new friends that are as much fun. Make a plan for keeping in touch with their friend. A weekly letter, e-mail, an occasional phone call, even some summer vacation time will keep good friends together. They can plan a secret code, and correspond in code! Make a puzzle letter by writing your notes on one side of the paper only and cutting it into 4 or 5 pieces before putting it in the envelope. They will have lots to tell each other, after all before they spent all their time together, and now whatever they do will is news to the other! Follow through with their correspondence, by making sure the letters they write are mailed. Take pictures of your child with other mutual friends to send.

BEST FRIEND EARRINGS

Here is an idea for your daughter. When an occasion arrives to exchange gifts with a good friend, make a pair of "friendship earrings". To do this, go to the store and buy 2 pair of earrings. Try to find some that relate to each other and maybe even have a theme (like an activity you both like). Then go home and switcheroo! Each new pair of earrings will have one of each pair. (for example, a pair of sun earrings and a pair of moon earrings become two pairs of one of each sun and moon.)

FRIENDS ARGUE

Best friends will still have disagreements just like all people do. It is how the disagreement is handled and how it strengthens the friendship that makes this friend your best friend. Best friends accept each other for who they are, not what they have or who they know. Best friends don´t try to change one another. Best friends support each other through thick and thin. Minor disagreements are but they don´t last long. My best friend and I have little "spats", but they make our friendship stronger. We are supporting each other through everything-no matter what!!

BEST FRIENDS

Towards grade five, it becomes time to choose a special friend, a "best" friend. This should be someone who you can rely on, not someone who is good looking and popular who will use you for your talents. This person should be loyal to you, and shouldn´t be eager to talk behind your back about you. You should be able to trust this person in keeping personal secrets, and not telling. This choice is an important one, don´t underestimate it! And remember, a boy can be a girl´s best friend, and visa-versa. You don´t have to be "Boyfriend-Girlfriend" to be Best Friends. This may happen in the future, but it doesn´t have to if you don´t want it to. Good luck in choosing your favorite friend!

Building Love in Your Relationship

We recently received the following question: “Can this help people who were 'not in love' when they married?” 

This is an excellent question and we'd like to thank the person who submitted it. 

First the short answer. Yes, definitely, the relationship skills taught in the Relationship Enhancement program can help persons in this situation. 

Now some explanation. Notice that the question asks whether this can “help”. I think this person understood there are no “magic wands”, but that there might be something that could help them to work more effectively at improving their relationship. 

By asking the question, this person also seems to be saying, “I really want to keep this marriage together. Even though when we were married we were not in love and love has not developed since then, maybe there is some way that love can grow here.” 

So perhaps the question could be rephrased this way, “Can Relationship Enhancement help people who were 'not in love' when they married, but who now want to try to build love into their relationship?” The answer is “yes” for at least two reasons. 

First, Relationship Enhancement skills allow couples to resolve conflictual issues. Conflict happens in every relationship, even where there is love. Relationship skills help in finding solutions that are satisfying to both persons and this, in turn, builds confidence in the relationship. 

Second, Relationship Enhancement education empowers couples to be empathic toward one another and to feel understood by one another. This essential combination is the basis for emotional bonding that leads to companionate love, which researchers have identified as the more stable and lasting form of marital love. Of course, feeling emotionally close to one another is also the basis for other dimensions of marital love as well. 

So, even if you didn't originally “choose your love”, you can grow to “love your choice!” 

Marriage Education in the News 

In February President Bush stated the following in one of his speeches: “Many good programs help couples who want to get married and stay married...Premarital education programs can increase happiness in marriage and reduce divorce by teaching couples how to resolve conflict, how to improve communication and, most importantly, how to treat each other with respect.” 

It is gratifying to see increased recognition of the value of relationship skills education. We invite you to enroll in our program and experience the benefits for yourself.

Love, American Idol Style

It seems the entire country has been struck with American Idol mania. Ruben's Alabama fashion statement has caused a 205 frenzy. Clay has made the "Opie" look hot (something even the talented Ron Howard couldn't pull off. ) And Kimberly has proven once and for all (and specifically for Simon) that there is more than one kind of beautiful. 

As for the judges and Ryan Seacrest, well, the country is completely divided on them. Which got me thinking -- Does the American Idol judge we like the most hold some clue as to the kind of people we're most attracted to? I asked around, and the favorite judge VS. potential mate answers were surprisingly accurate. 

Below is the Love Life Idol-ometer: 

Crazy about Simon? 

Simon draws the strongest reactions all around - we either love him or we hate him. (Personally, I adore him, but that's me.) What does a preference for Simon say about the kind of guy or girl that makes your toes curl? You want someone who doesn't waste words. Someone who doesn't back down to popular opinion but will admit when he's wrong. A person who's confident, and self-assured (or arrogant as hell, depending on your take.) You're also looking for someone who is brutally honest, because you always like to know exactly where you stand. And you don't mind that he's a bit stingy with the compliments because on the rare occasion that he says something nice, you know he really means it. 

Straight up for Paula Abdul? 

Paula is the sunshine girl who doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. If Paula's your favorite judge, you want to be with someone who lives by the "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" code. The great thing about this person is that they'll always support you, no matter how badly you screw things up. The bad thing about this kind of person is that you'll never really know what they're thinking because they're too busy trying not to rock the boat. The other drawback? If there are problems in the relationship, you probably won't know it until it's all over. 

Randy Happy? 

Randy is great all-around guy. If Randy's your dawg, you prefer a mate who will give it to you straight, but soften the blow with kindness. (Which means he'd take you to dinner before he dumped you.) This is a person who's honest without being nasty, but always on the level. This is also a person who is generally happy and easy-going, with a strong sense of personal style and a great sense of humor. 

Pining for Ryan? 

You don't mind two-hour discussions on the variances of haircare products. If you like Ryan, you may be most attracted to arm candy. He's nice, he looks good in a suit, he's probably a fun party date. Enough said. And, maybe, you don't mind dating someone who's prettier than you are.

The World Will Always Welcome Lovers

On a recent trip to North America, I was astonished to see the media circus -- the focus and attention of the world - surrounding one kiss: the kiss between Vice President Al Gore and his wife Tipper during the Democratic Convention. 

In a recent U.S. based global publication, I read an article entitled, "Gore's kiss is so '60s - and probably fake." In fairness to the writer of this article, he is entitled to his own opinion: for that I do not judge him. I guess what bothers me, and what I question is, "Why the hoopla?" Oh right ... I forgot... We are in the arena of politics in The United States. God forbid that a politician shows some emotion and love in front of the voting public! For the most part, all the articles I read about "The Kiss' were pessimistic: they felt the whole kiss was staged, and believed that Al & Tipper were grandstanding for the sake of votes. The article that I mentioned above ends with the following: "And if it is shown, it is credible. It is real. I grew up learning to make the opposite assumption: My deepest instinct tells me that if something is paraded in public, then it must be false - a mere performance." 

I am neither a resident nor a citizen of The United States. However, for what it's worth, here is my opinion of "The Kiss." By chance, I saw Al Gore's speech on television that evening and witnessed "The Kiss" between Al and his wife. How did I feel? I enjoyed his speech, listening closely to each word. The message I received not only from his speech, but even more from Mr. Gore's face, was that this man feels emotion -- and more importantly love -- for his country, his late father, his elderly mother, his wife, and his children. There was the speech, and there was "The Kiss." It was, indeed, a long kiss... But, so what? The man, in my opinion, was genuine, full of emotion and love, as the long road of his personal life and political career finally brought him to this moment, when his wife, his family, and the entire Democratic Party affirmed their faith in him as a nominee for President of The United States. He is a human being and did something very natural: he gave his wife a big, long, tongue-in-the-mouth kiss. So what is the big deal, I ask you? Why do we feel that a politician cannot give his wife a long, wet kiss in public when he so desires? 

I, for one, commend Al Gore. He is a loving person. He displayed not only his love, but also courage rather than fear. I enjoy watching happy, loving couples. "The Kiss" may have been staged, but, based on my observation, I feel that it was genuine and came from the heart. I feel it is a nice change to see some love in the political arena: what a nice example for the rest of the world, especially for the American people. Based on the public opinion expressed in the countless books and articles I read, I get the sense that people want more love and less fear in their lives. Maybe that is something the media of the world should ponder, before jumping on this anti-kissing bandwagon again. 

My thoughts while I write this article bring me to some lyrics of an old song that Jimmy Durante used to sing: 

"As Time Goes By."

You must remember this

A kiss is just a kiss 

A sigh is just a sigh 

The fundamental things apply

As time goes by 

And when two lovers woo

They still say I love you 

On that you can rely 

No matter what the future brings

As time goes by

The world will always welcome lovers

As time goes by 

I say to Al and Tipper: just keep kissing whenever your hearts desire, and never lose that attitude of love for one another. You truly are a fine example to the rest of us in the world. As the song says, "The world will always welcome lovers, as time goes by."

Loving Everyday

One of the most important keys to having a mature, loving relationship is to recognize the importance of practicing the art of loving every day. If you are not prepared to do this daily work, you will never experience mature love. Relationships either rise or fall-- they do not stand still. If you are not putting in the effort, you are neglecting your partner and contributing to the eventual demise of the relationship. Practicing the art of loving, each day, insures that your relationship will rise. 

Loving relationships are built. They do not happen by chance. It's the little things that you do (taking a few seconds or a few minutes each day) that will make the difference in your relationship. It's taking the time to share a moment with one another before you go to work, instead of rushing out of the house. It's a phone call at some point during the day to talk to one another. When you arrive home, it's sharing the day's events with each other, instead of opening the mail or collapsing on the couch with the remote control. It's preparing dinner together, doing the dishes, sitting and having a cup of tea or coffee or maybe a glass of wine. It's touching and being physically close while lying on the couch, or holding one another while watching television or listening to music. It's being able to give your full attention to your partner, making eye contact and really listening when he or she is talking. It's validating what your partner says and feels, by providing genuine empathy and understanding. It's noticing and expressing appreciation for the little things your partner does for you. It's letting your loved one know how important he or she is to you, and how much you appreciate his or her presence in your life. It's being spontaneous and expressing your feelings to one another. It's consciously being aware of (and avoiding doing) the little things that annoy your partner: such as leaving the toilet seat up, squeezing the toothpaste the wrong way, leaving makeup all over the bathroom counter, leaving dirty clothes all over the floor... I think you know what I'm talking about. 

Expressing your love does not have to be expensive. Spontaneously giving one rose has the same thought behind it as giving a dozen. Little surprises-- gifts, notes, and greeting cards-- make your partner feel valued and loved by you. A new car, a new house, a Caribbean holiday, expensive jewelry, a fur coat, an expensive night on the town... these are all wonderful, but when it comes right down to it, it's the little things, that we do daily, that are most important. The little things are what build loving relationships and allow us to experience mature love. 

You have got to take responsibility and make the time to give love to one another every day. By making your partner a priority in your life, and remembering to do the little things that make your loved one feel cared for and appreciated, you will be on your way to realizing life's most wonderful experience: that of rising in love with one another. Coretta Scott King, widow of slain civil rights leader Martin Luther King, Jr., recently said that if she had to pinpoint the most important message she has learned in her life, "it would be that love is the most powerful healing force on earth, and it is available to us all. If we can learn how to love one another, there is nothing we can't do." So we can rise above, and rise in love, when we practice the art of loving with our partner on a daily basis.

Love = Life Fear = No Life

Every week, without fail, someone either writes or approaches me with the question: "What have you learned about love?" It is a difficult question to answer completely, because, every day, I learn something new. Each day I watch the world, and I am given new lessons, not only about love, but also about fear. Since I am not one to ignore or avoid a challenge, I will give you what would be my answer to this question today: 

I learned that money and possessions do not bring love and happiness to life. 

I have learned that, in the words of Katherine Anne Porter, "Love must be learned, and learned again and again; there is no end to it." 

I recognize that love is an art that requires patience, confidence, discipline, concentration, faith, and practice daily, as Erich Fromm told us in his book, The Art of Loving. 

I have learned that life and the lives of the ones you love are happening now and today. This is not a dress rehearsal for another life you will have later... Live it with love now. 

For so many years, my priorities were wrong. This caused bad choices and unhappiness for me and for those I loved. Priorities are a key component to a more fulfilling, loving life. My four top priorities are as follows: 1) Myself, 2) My Spouse or Partner, 3) My Family, which includes children, and 4) Work or Career. In my opinion, this has to remain constant to experience true love of oneself, which allows one to share a journey of rising love with a partner, which, in turn, is the example partners must set for their children and for all people they encounter in life. 

Love is an action. Treat it as such. Actions speak louder than words when it comes to love. 

I judge no other man or woman in this world. This it is not my right. I respect everyone for who they are, as individuals, and treat them equally with love and respect. 

The meaning of "loving" to me is as follows: 

L Life

O Options / Choices

V Vision / Imagination

I Intimacy

N Nurturing

G Giving 

In my opinion, love is rising, not falling. You must love yourself, be happy and complete, in order to be capable of sharing a rising love with another. What we should seek is that unique individual who complements us and stimulates our mind, body, spirit, and soul. It has to be all or nothing: partial is not acceptable. To have a truly rising, loving journey with a partner, we must share erotic, platonic, romantic, practical, philosophical, intellectual, and enduring love with one another. 

I recognize the importance and beauty of touch. I have no fear of embracing another with a warm hug, or holding a loved one anytime and anywhere. I love to touch the one I love. I love holding hands with the one I love. It is the art of touch that makes loving so sweet. Touch has brought out my feminine side. We all, as men and women, need a balance of yin and yang, both masculine and feminine, to experience love all the time in our lives. 

The most important lesson I ever learned came in the final year of the 20th century: the lesson of unconditional love. We all came into this world with unconditional love. We were brought into this world as the purest form of love imaginable. Why did we change? Why are there so many sad, unhappy, and troubled people in the world today? Why are there so many divorces? Why is there so much violence in the world? Why are our young people committing suicide and performing such serious acts of violence and aggression? Why do so many children grow up with only one parent? Why are road rage and air rage such common occurrences today? I could fill a book with these types of questions that cross my mind, each day, as I watch the evening news and read the newspapers of the world. Why is all this happening? I believe the reason is this: we are not choosing love. Too many of us have forgotten the unconditional love we knew when we entered this world. 

We constantly hear so many songs of love. Today, one comes to my mind: "What The World Needs Now Is Love Sweet Love." Why do we not choose love? This is a question that the great minds of all time have explored. More books, television programs, movies, and articles in magazines and newspapers have been written, and, yet, still so many of us choose not to love. Why? It is beyond my understanding why we, as intelligent beings, would choose to live in such hate, chaos, toxicity, dysfunction, and most importantly FEAR!!!!! My equation for you to think about is very simple: LOVE = LIFE, FEAR = NO LIFE. There truly is no in between. I choose LOVE. I have seen what FEAR can do to my life and to the lives of my loved ones and so many others in the world's population. In my books, FEAR is unacceptable. It is about time that we stop and recognize the consequences of this choice that we allow, so graciously, to come into our lives. 

With the beginning of the new millennium, maybe it is time to start recognizing this most important choice. Each of us faces the choice between LOVE and FEAR everyday. Let us all begin this new century with the intelligence and awareness to choose LOVE over FEAR. Love is the biggest gift you can give to anyone, especially to yourself. Love is the cure to the problems we face each and every day. It is our choice. Fear is a choice that will continue to negatively affect our world unless we do something about it. In my opinion there is no room for FEAR in our world. There is only room for more LOVE.

I love you!

The famous three words we never hear enough of in our life. Throughout our life span we keep looking, waiting and hoping for something to take us, or lead us, to our true love. Have you ever wondered where we can find love? 

What really is this word "Love" that we keep repeating to that someone special in our lives? How many times do you tell your partner "I love you"? Do you really mean it, or do you just like to hear yourself speak? Or, is it just being said because it is part of the vocabulary that your partner likes to hear, or that helps make them feel secure about themselves. So what’s love in the first place? What does love mean to you? Where can we find it? 

Before looking for answers, we need to establish things ourselves and understand the meaning of the word "LOVE". 

Love, in my point of view, is a flow of energy between two people that can bring awareness of their existence on this plane together, and this helps their relationship, and the harmony between them, to grow. If love is a flow of energy, basically it is not costing you anything so why do we hold ourselves back from truly sharing that love with someone else. Vulnerability, security, or maybe fears prevent us, but how hard are we really trying to achieve "true love"? 

Love is already in your own backyard and we seem to have a hard time accepting this. To be able to accept love we need to learn how to give it in the first place. Love already exists in our "being" as humans share the most precious, intimate and secret jewel that is in our soul, our growth, and our spirit. 

How much do you love yourself, or accept yourself for who you are? I am not introducing this question in an egoistic or selfish way. The amount of love you attract is really a reflection of the amount you give to others. We mirror what is already in us. You cannot get love from what you don’t have in yourself in the first place. The amount of time and effort you are willing to put into accepting, or inviting, true love to yourself is the same amount you are already accepting or giving to yourself? Are you ready to be in love? Ask yourself this question. Let go of your pride and fears, and invest in yourself. Think about it! 

Do not allow one bad relationship to hold you back or stop you from investing in love again. Holding yourself back from loving someone is as equal to, or as important as, attracting love to your own life. We always look to receive love from another person but it is the contrary, you hold your happiness in your own hands. So open your heart and a new love will come and approach you. Don’t go too far to look for that true love. Just start searching for it within yourself!!! Sometimes it is hard to love ourselves because of different occurrences that have happened to us. We lose our own self-confidence and self-esteem. What I suggest, to renew your confidence in yourself, is a change of attitude. Appreciate yourself first, for who you are. Love yourself for who you are, and NOT for the way people want you to be, in their image. You are who you are, and if someone does not like you for what you are, then they are not the right one for you. 

Now again comes the question - do you really mean it when you say to someone that you love him or her? Of course in my opinion, you need to distinguish between real love and infatuation. A person that showers his or her partner with material things or gifts usually has two motives. First, he or she is substituting one thing they can’t offer to their partner (love) and second he or she is hiding something from their partner (finding love somewhere else). Where am I going with this, just to say that love has no value attached to it? Either you give love from your soul or you don’t. Let’s just stop kidding ourselves by living a fancy unreal life. Love has no monetary value attached to it otherwise it would not be love. Love is a flow of energy so how can we place a price on it. 

Until you find true love in your own heart, embrace every moment and enjoy your exploration of life and what it can bring to you. 

Remember, love someone for who they are and not for the way you want them to be. Appreciate them as human souls. Happy discovery!!

Love songs: the hidden menace

I love you too much 

I hate the feeling I get when you're not there 

Baby come back 

I miss you 

I'm waiting for you to make me whole 

You make me feel brand new 

You make me feel so good 

Without you I am nothing 

I'll never let you go 

If you go away... 

Lines from love songs are everywhere. Here I am about to do my taxes when I tune into a session of love songs on the radio. And as I became aware of the emotions that were being automatically generated in me. I realised how much affect these songs can have on a person. I had to put finger to keyboard and ask 

'What happens when you listen to songs devoted to sadness, possessiveness, despair, regret, anger, bitterness, self-deprecation and neediness. Answer - You feel like shit!' Is this good? I don't think so! 

Each generation has it's style of popular music and one thing that has remained constant is the love song. Love songs are part of our culture. 

Love songs create feelings in us. A love song can be a divine elixir that generates wonderful feelings in us or a toxic story that poisons our system and sends us into deep depression. 

Unbeknown to us love songs, are programming our brain with affirmations which develop into belief about how life is. Love songs are part of the myth of our society. They are stories that tell how it is. The more we listen to how it is, the more we believe that is reality. We begin to act out the reality and that slows us down from creating new realities. 

Pilgrimage to find the lost shit 

In my late teens/very early twenties Leonard Cohen was the high priest of sadness. If love didn't work out you lay on your bed, listening to Leonard droning on about being led down to the river, lost loves, missed opportunities. As 'That's no way to say goodbye' oozes out of the speakers, the tears flow freely, the stomach churns with awful feelings, pain wracks the body and despair fills your soul. 

Yep, suicide was definitely an option when you listened to Leonard. We lapped it up, we wallowed in the shit and we felt very bad. But wasn't that how it is meant to be. Perhaps, but was it meant that we make it worse and double the bad feelings by submitting ourselves to Leonard's misery. As we listen we get programmed, we fulfil the program and so the world turns. But it doesn't have to be like that. Recovery can be swifter if we stop creating toxic messages and start sending out healthy ones. 

So what messages are toxic love songs conveying? 

Life's like that - can't and but! 

There's no use looking back and wondering... I never had a dream come true till the day that I found you. Even though I pretend that I've moved on. But still I can't find ways to let you go. Just can't stay goodbye. 

Translation. People are supposed to move on, but I can't. Can't deletes the positive message and you start to develop the belief that it's ok to stay and wallow cos that's how it is! 

I give you control of my life! 

'You make me feel brand new'. 'You gave my pride back to me'. 'Without you life has no meaning or rhyme'. 

We use this type of language every day. It is power-leak language. When we talk like that we are affirming to ourselves and others that someone else can control our feelings. We are also indicating that we expect it to happen. We are creating a belief about how life is. 

'Without you life has no meaning or rhyme'. 

Translation. Life is crap when you're not around. To me that is saying it's impossible to have a great life without that person. They get to control your life just by you needing them. They might not even know it! 

We can all learn to be whole and to take responsibility for our own happiness. It is a lifelong practice... learning to focus on the possible, the positive and the potentcy. 

When we start using language like 

'When I'm with you I feel even more alive. [i.e. Being with you is a bonus to what is already wonderful] 

'You helped me develop my talents and showed me how great I can be'. [i.e. you facilitated me to feel good about myself and didn't take all the credit!] 

'Life is even more wonderful when you're around' [i.e. it already is great you are a bonus] 

'You are a star in my universe and I am one in yours.' [i.e. we each have our own universe and we are star guests in the other person's We do not need them to survive, because we are the centre of our univrse. [assuming the sun is the most important planet in a universe] 

You're a guest on my show and I'm one on yours!!! 

We can create good feelings as well as acknowledging our own power over our feelings. You can stop being the cork bobbing on the waves and turn into a dolphin navigating through the ocean of your life. 

I wonder how this new age influence and living from hope will affect the bands of the 21st century. Kids listen to these people. Someone out there can get together a band and make it happen. I shall wait and anticipate... and write about it some more. We can all be part of the wave of change...in our way and when we choose to. 

How would you like the world to be... 

Write a love song, a story a few words or draw a picture that shows it your way... Write to me. 

How could it be more hopeful, fair, loving, balanced?

Love Is Like Mining for Diamonds: It Takes Work

We all know people who have really unrealistic expectations of relationships. So many hopeless romantics believe that love is the solution to life's problems. Many people confuse lust with love, over and over again. There are people who change lovers often, because they thrive on the excitement of the initial stages of love. These are just some of the more exaggerated examples that come to mind. Many of us have our own erroneous expectations about love. These expectations can set us up for disappointment down the road. What we believe about relationships affects our attitudes toward our relationships. If our expectations are unrealistic, we will inevitably be disappointed with our partners. Many people enter into relationships with the expectation that, if they find the right person, the relationship will take no work or effort. This is a totally unrealistic expectation. LOVE TAKES A LOT OF WORK. 

In a new relationship, you are meeting another person's persona: the person that they most want you to see. As you get to know the person better, new layers of each of you emerge for one another to see. As the level of trust in the relationship grows, you both will expose deeper and deeper layers to one another. The deepest layers of each of us formed at a very young age, in response to childhood experiences. If your expectation is that relationships do not take work, then you probably are in for a major disappointment when the deeper parts of your partner's personality emerge. Temptation may come to leave and find a new, "better" partner. 

You will find, however, that we are all the same: we all have deeper layers that hide under our socially acceptable personas. If you are unwilling to explore the deeper layers of your partner, or to reveal your own deeper layers, your relationships will remain superficial and unfulfilling. You will feel that something is missing... that your relationships are never intimate... that your partners never understand you... that you cannot understand your partners. You will be wondering why love seems to elude you. You will turn from person to person, looking for the "right" person, but never find him or her. You will never discover the real person that lies behind the mask of the persona in your current partner. You will never create the loving relationship that you desire, unless you are willing to put forth the effort to discover who your partner actually is, and to reveal your true self to your partner. 

Many people believe that they understand the cliché, "love takes work." The question is, do they truly understand the meaning of "love takes work"? You will know that you are working at your relationship when you want to run away in frustration, but you stay and talk with your partner -- not just once, but repeatedly. Intimacy grows from the commitment and work that you put into your relationship. Of course, this is not to say that everyone is compatible with everyone else. However, once you have found a partner who meets certain parameters and seems compatible, the balance is 100% pure W-O-R-K.

Are You Fit To Love?

Are You Fit To Love? is the most important question we'll ever ask ourselves. Let's face it, our relationships are extremely important. In fact they are the essence of our lives. Yet, for many relationships are the cause of pain and struggle often rendering us powerless to bring about positive changes. Single or not, societal standards convince us that when it comes to relationships we can have it all. As a result we have developed a pervasive “what's-in-it-for-me” attitude with an emphasis on superficiality. In addition, much of the available relationship advice compels us to go after everything we want from our partners. Sadly, for many it is not working. Climbing divorce rates and an increase in the number of singles seeking love are proof that our behavior and attitudes are counterproductive. We need to be reminded that being in a relationship is really about being with another person. 

Our expectations of each other have become highly unrealistic. Rarely do we look in the mirror and ask: Do I give what I am asking from my partner? Am I fit to love? We resent each other for unmeet expectations. When the resentment grows faster than our love and respect for each other, lovers turn into enemies and relationships into war zones. Today's relationships are failing because of deterioration of characters. It is time we made a point of building long-term relationship success based on the strength of our characters, instead of clever-minded relationship rules and strategies. 

Great relationships require great characters, a fact that will never ever change. Our relationships are only as good as we are. We simply must become better people for each other. Becoming fit to love is a relationship reality check that forces us to look in the mirror and become inspired to create a better character within. This powerful wake-up call is not for the faint-hearted, but for the brave. It will dramatically improve our relationships or our chances of finding love. 

The happiest people are those in exceptional relationships. We admire and even envy these people. They are heavily invested in their most valuable asset: their relationship and have an abundance of life's most precious commodity: love. They all have one thing in common: they are fit to love. At the heart of all exceptional relationships are three universal principles: mutual respect, moral responsibility and authenticity. Unless we understand and apply these principles our relationships will be subject to resentment, frustration and uncertainty. Being fit to love is taking a radically different approach to successful relationships and here is what it means: 

1. Mutual Respect: Your partner is just as important as you are. 

Our partner's dreams, hopes, wishes and expectations are as important as our's. This principle requires us to be unselfish and think of our partner as our equal. Given that our generation has made history as ambassadors of our “me first” society, we are more concerned with getting what we want than thinking of another. For Bill everything revolves around golfing. He spends every weekend at the golf course while his wife Jane looks after their two small children. Extra money from their already tight budget is spent on Bill's hobby. Stuck at home with toddlers, Jane has very little freedom or money to do or buy anything special. Despite Jane's complaints Bill seems completely aloof to the fact that he is behaving disrespectfully. 

How differently life turned out for Karen and Lucas even though they experience a huge interest-clash. Madly in love, they are making future plans. Karen wants to live in the city in a squeaky clean condo with nearby shopping, restaurants and cultural events. Lucas loves the country, gardening and pets. The differences don't end here. She prefers fine dinning and classical music. Lucas likes roadhouse cuisine and modern beats. This sounds like trouble, but by honoring their opposing beliefs they turned their dilemma into a real bliss. They moved to a small town in between the city and the country. Karen couldn't help but fall in love with the puppy Lucas brought home, even though she was dead set against pets. They simply focused on the positive in their diversities and embraced the richness of each other. They respected their differences and did not insist on their own views. As a result they deepened their love and now live the best of both worlds. 

Relationship conflicts arise because of different perspectives and beliefs. Lovers find themselves arguing over who is right, instead solving the issue in their mutual best interest. The ongoing struggle over unresolved issues leads to resentment and frustration even when there is love. Love and respect take a backseat and the relationship deteriorates. This is not only a dangerous game but also the reason why many relationships fail, when they shouldn't. This downward spiral continues unless we stop wanting to be right and be in control. Instead of trying to change each other or putting our needs first, we must realize that our partner is just as important as we are. In grabbing hold of our partner's beliefs or buying a share of his or her dreams we show that we respect our partner as much we do ourselves. If conflict arises and we cannot agree on a solution, we should simply agree to disagree and continue to talk with respect and honesty. Without true mutual respect, it is impossible to create loving relationships with staying power. Being fit to love is the realization that another her person is just as valuable as you. 

2. Moral Responsibility: You are always morally responsible to those with whom you have relationships. 

We live in a society that elevates self-fulfillment above anything else and the term moral responsibility is hardly part of our vocabulary. We seek self-fulfillment at any cost, even at the cost of others. Regardless of how many times we have heard that we are not responsible for our partner's happiness, we are responsible for his or her well-being. Love is still a moral responsibility to another person. In our relationships we have the power to make each other feel exceptional or miserable. How often do we blame our partners if things do not work out without looking in the mirror to see our own character flaws. We are far more likely to make excuses for our behavior not realizing that everything we think, say or do affects those we love. 

Jennifer had lunch with her friend Sally at a quaint restaurant. Jennifer could barley wait to share the details about the blissful affair she is having with this young stud. Sally listened in awe as Jennifer blamed her so-called inattentive husband, Paul. It was a strange twist of fate that Paul sat behind the flower-decorated lattice wall listening to every word his wife said. From here on everyone's life took a different dimension. Jennifer had deceived her husband Paul, betrayed her word, disregarded her children and lost the respect of her friend Sally. This is a high price to pay for moments of sex. What Jennifer thought, did and said affected the lives of those she loved. She had shed her moral responsibility towards those who counted on her. 

In our quest for better relationships, we must make our relationship a priority. We must focus on our relationship not elsewhere. As Mary O'Hara said: Love cannot survive if you just give it scraps of yourself, scraps of your time, scraps of your thoughts. We are responsible for the state of our relationships. Realizing that we are indeed morally responsible to those we love is vital to being fit to love. 

3. Authenticity: True love only happens when you are real. 

Have you ever found yourself laughing simply because everyone else did? Agreed with your partner's opinion even though you didn't share it? Told your lover you had a fabulous time when you didn't or said: “I love you” when you didn't mean it. In other words did you ever do something inconsistent with your true self just to please someone, get attention or get what you wanted? Of course we all have. We have lost the bravery to be real! 

For many there is quite a gap between the person inside and the person they present to the world. How about Toni, the dad who rents a Porsche to impress his date, while being delinquent in child support. How authentic is that? Laura, owner of a marketing firm, supports and votes for the political party most of her clients belong to. Yet, she neither has faith in the candidate or the agenda of this party. Debby spends every Sunday at Grant's parents but resents it. To keep the peace she refrains from claiming some of these Sundays on her own terms. Donna, a serial dater knows how to pick guys. As soon as her friends find her new dates socially unacceptable Donna dumps them. Donna no longer takes the time to get to know her dates. Instead she allows her girlfriends to decide for her. 

To be validated by our lovers or to be socially accepted we often compromise who we are and what we believe in. Conditioned by our environment we have become products of the culture we live in and are in somewhat disconnected from our identities. No matter how good we are at playing roles for each other, eventually we encounter role conflict and our truth emerges. True love does not unfold unless we are real. Being fit to love means being real. It means removing all the layers of pretense and becoming vulnerable. When we are authentic our relationships become real and we never have to doubt them. To love, we need to know each other the way we know ourselves. Love only works when we are real! Our authentic self is the best of us. It is where our goodness lies imbedded in the strength of our character. To be fit to love we must encourage authenticity in each other. 

Regardless of the state of our current relationships or how unsuccessfully we have tried to find love we have the power to radically improve our circumstances today. The three principles of being fit to love are as true today as they will be twenty years from now. Mutual respect, moral responsibility and authenticity are the essence of exceptional and loving relationships. Because people in exceptional relationships are fit to love, they are positive role models in becoming better human beings for each other. They put love before every thought and action. In the process they reap some profound rewards: 

People in exceptional, loving relationships live much happier lives

• They cope far better with stress
  
• They have better sex more often
  
• They laugh more often and have more fun
  
• They are healthier and live longer
  
• They are more optimistic
  
• They complain less
  
• They feel validated and needed
  
• They feel more secure and stable
  

No wonder we envy these people. Their relationships are like rock-solid anchors. In times like these, laced with tremendous uncertainty and uproar, their love shields these couples from the restlessness most of us experience. Mahatma Gandhi said: “A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave”. Let's be brave!

Attracting Love

It is natural to love another person. Love is both ecstatic happiness and deep despair, both sweet and bitter. Your mind may advise you not to love a worthless or unfaithful person, but the heart will continue to love because it cannot accept reason. When wishing for a new relationship, be wise. When you first fall in love, you see a fantasy of the person because you do not know the real him or her. You imagine that you know this person, but you don't see the flaws, because only his or her best side is being shown to you. Remember that in each relationship you risk losing your heart to love. Here are spells and potions to attract your heart's desire. 

To meet your intended 

Place two pink candles in candleholders and arrange them next to each other, a foot apart. One candle represents you and the other symbolizes your sweetheart. Tie a knot of red ribbon, cord, or string loosely around the candleholders. On the next day, untie the ribbon, move the candleholders closer, and tie them together again. Light both candles and let them burn for a while, then snuff them out. Do this for three, five, seven, or nine days until the candleholders are touching on the last day. Sit with the candles while they burn on the final day, then snuff them out. Untie the ribbon and keep it among your personal possessions for protection as a love amulet. 

To aim and fire cupid's arrow 

Take a red candle, as red represents life and passion. The light in the flame symbolizes the good power in a person. With a pin, inscribe the name of the one you love around the top of the candle. Pierce the inscription with a new pin, pressing it through the wick so the pin tip emerges on the opposite side of the candle. As you press the pin into the wax, say: “Through your name to the wick, I aim for your heart with this candle I prick.” Place the candle in a holder and position the pin tip so that it faces the direction in which your lover lives. Light the candle and sit with it while sending love to your desired. When the flame has burned through the name and pin, snuff out the candle. The candle can be relit at another time, but should be buried with the pin once it is too small to light. 

To attract a new romance 

Cast this spell on a night when the new moon is a crescent in the sky. Place a pink rose and a red rose in a narrow-stemmed vase. At a few minutes before midnight, sprinkle three drops of rose oil into the vase's water. Within fourteen days, a new person will enter your life. If you like this person, place the roses in a clean, white envelope. Sleep with the envelope under your pillow and speak the name of your intended three times before going to sleep. You will draw your desired to you. 

To beckon a heart to yours 

On a Friday night, write your intended's name in red ink on nine small pieces of red paper to ignite passion. Wrap a pinch of dried mint in each piece of paper or smear each piece with mint oil. Throw one of the packets into a hearth or bonfire and speak your lover's name repeatedly until the packet has burned away. Do the same with the remaining eight sachets, and as each one burns, your love will grow closer. 

To receive a telephone call or e-mail 

Take a whole nutmeg and wrap it in a red ribbon while saying: “[Name of person], you will contact me.” Light a white candle for purity and place the wrapped nutmeg in front of the candle as it burns for an hour. The nutmeg represents your lover's brain; the ribbon represents your desires. The ribbon will transfer your wish to the one you long for and will prompt him or her to get in touch with you. Snuff out the candle and keep the nutmeg in its wrapping by your telephone or computer. The one you desire should call or e-mail within seven days. To encourage more contact, write your love interest's name in cursive writing in a semicircular shape, using green ink on blue paper. Join your own name with the name of the one you desire, continuing the semicircle until it is a complete circle. Repeat the writing seven times on top of the original lettering. Sprinkle a few drops of lavender oil onto the paper and rub the oil over the paper. (Mercury, the planet that governs communication, also rules lavender.) Place the piece of paper under your computer or telephone. As the scent fades, rub more lavender oil onto the piece of paper bearing your names to continue the contact with your desired one. 

Love at your door 

To draw your sweetheart to visit your home, write his or her name on a small piece of paper on the night of a new moon. Fold the piece of paper in half to conceal the name, and write your name on the outside. Fold the paper in half again and sprinkle the outside with three drops of rose oil to attract love. Place the piece of paper under the doormat. The one you desire is likely to arrive within the twenty-eight-day moon cycle, just before a full moon. Do not let impatience deter you from keeping the piece of paper in place.

Ecstasy When Love Rocks

Ah, the ecstasy of love. Who wants to settle for anything less? From the first second of our first major crush, ecstasy is what we hope for and dream of, that on-top-of-the-world, giddy, whirly, zing-zangy kaboom of a feeling that squeezes your heart and blows your mind and leaves you wanting to shout to the world, I AM SO IN LOVE SO IN LOVE SO CRAZY COMPLETELY IN LOVE! 

Or something like that. Truth is, real ecstasy leaves us so overwhelmingly happy we're usually rendered speechless. We want to express our wild, hungry joy, especially to the person we love, but “I love you” seems so serious and standard, and beyond that, what's left? “You rock”? “Oh, baby”? “Gee, I think we're really compatible”? Ecstasy feels so HUGE, and words can seem so small. 

That's why we filled this chapter with the most gorgeous, passion-packed love poems we could find, to help you articulate the ecstasy you feel. Recite one of these next anniversary, or slip a copy into a Valentine's Day card, and you'll melt the heart of your beloved. 

Or read these poems by yourself when you just want to feel all warm and sappy about the great love of your life. These are poems to indulge in, like hotfudge sundaes or bubble baths or full-body massages. B e c a u se-d o n 't kid yourself-ecstasy comes and goes in a long-term love relationship (good luck feeling blissful about the holey underwear! the ESPN addiction! the secret porn stash!). You've got to relish the passion while you've got it. And even if you have one of those moments, days, or months when you fear the romance has drained from your relationship, stop and read an Ecstasy poem. Let yourself remember how it felt-how it could still feel-to be intimately, achingly in love with your partner. 

The first four poems in Ecstasy describe that breathless, unspoken (because we don't quite know how to say it, and sometimes we're scared to) longing to be part of the very fiber and soul of your lover. The speaker in James Laughlin's “I Want to Breathe” utters one long, run-on whisper of desire, so quiet but so potent you can almost feel him nuzzling the skin and inhaling the fragrance of his lover, willing their hearts to beat in unison. He wants to be completely connected, physically and emotionally, as does the speaker in Pablo Neruda's Sonnet XVII, who tells his lover he wants to be “so close that your hand upon my chest is mine,/so close that your eyes close with my dreams.” The couple in Sharon Olds's “Sunday Night in the City” shares that same interlaced serenity; “Arms linked like skaters,” they lie in bed together, hair ruffled, “long legs crossed like folded/wings.” 

This is ecstasy at its most seriously romantic- when the two of you exist in your own little world, when you're overcome by that heart-tugging need for intimacy. The lovers in these poems are bound together not so much by sex (even though they're physically tangled together) as by their deep, consuming care for each other. The speaker in Margaret Atwood's “Variation on the Word Sleep,” for example, wants to protect and nurture her lover even as he sleeps, even in his dreams. She speaks almost reverentially of wanting to hold him-his being, not his body-“carefully, a flame/in two cupped hands.” When we're deep into the ecstasy of love, no closeness is close enough; we can't bear to think that our partner could survive without us. Like the speaker in the Atwood poem, we want to be the very air that our lover breathes-we want to be “that unnoticed/& that necessary.” 

On the one hand, the desire for that kind of closeness is perfectly understandable and probably inevitable when you're in ecstasy. You're in a love stupor, utterly intoxicated by the sight, scent, and touch of your partner. On the other hand … yikes! Ecstasy can leave you teetering on the edge of neediness and insecurity. Too much of that heavy-duty “we're the only two people in the world” business can suffocate even the most glorious romance. (Think Heathcliff and Cathy.) Who needs all the melancholy drama when you're supposed to be wildly happy? As much as you want to be one with your lover in ecstasy, eventually you need to develop a little healthy awareness that you two are indeed separate-wild about each other, sure, but separate-individuals who live in a great, big, wide world. 

Perhaps that's why we so love the E. E. Cummings poem “i carry your heart with me”-it's fabulously romantic but shout-out-loud exuberant and playful at the same time. The speaker in this poem doesn't quietly yearn to be closer-he trumpets his joy at being close enough. He confidently declares, “i carry your heart with me(i carry it in/my heart)”-separate hearts, carried together. He opens up his world to include not just his lover but also the sun and the stars and “the sky of the sky of a tree called life.” 

This is ecstasy at its best, we think, when you can loosen up enough simply to enjoy the pleasure of the moment (rather than worrying about the future or longing for more of what you've got). Li-Young Lee's “From Blossoms,” for example, is all about the bliss of the here and now. As he and his partner devour “succulent peaches” bought at a roadside stand, the speaker is overcome by pure happiness, struck by his desire “to take what we love inside,/to carry within us an orchard … to hold/the fruit in our hands, adore it, then bite into/the round jubilance of peach.” He celebrates the opportunity to live-if only for one summer day-“from joy/to joy to joy, from wing to wing,/from blossom to blossom to/impossible blossom, to sweet impossible blossom.”

Use Feng Shui to Kick Start Your Love Life!

Can rearranging your furniture really help you to find and keep "The One?" Can storing your underwear in the Tupperware drawer really heat up your love life? 

Well, the jury's still out on that one - But hey, it can't hurt, right? According to Feng Shui (say FUNG SCHWAY) experts, little changes can make a big difference where romance is concerned. 

An ancient Chinese practice, "Feng Shui is purposefully arranging your stuff around you to gain positive results," says Karen Rauch Carter, author of "Move Your Stuff, Change Your Life." 

So, what can you do to get your love life on track fast? 

Add a little Feng Shui to the "relationship area" of your home.

As you enter through your front door, the relationship section is located at the farthest right hand corner at the back side of your home. 

According to Feng Shui practitioners, specific items in your relationship corner can spice things up considerably – whether you're already in a relationship, or a single looking for love. 

Add these items to perk up your love life: 

1) Anything red and pink -- Sure, it makes for a decorating challenge, but these colors represent love. You can't go too crazy with red and pink here. 

2) Candles -- They create heat, they're romantic, what more could you want? For extra vaa-vaa-voom, try two pink or red candles sitting side by side. (One for each of you.) 

3) Round mirrors -- This has to do with a more complicated idea of reflecting energy, but all mirrors are good here, and round mirrors are best. 

4) Whatever symbols signify love to you -- Anything goes, and it goes here. Flowers, cupids, romantic photos of the two of you together, hearts, bride and groom cake toppers, candy hearts, chocolate or a Barbie Doll in full bridal paraphernalia. If it means romance to you, put it here. 

As you might expect, there are also a number of things that can put a Feng Shui damper on your love life as well. 

Try to avoid putting these items in your relationship corner: 

1) Negative images -- This is not the place to store that shoebox with old photos of your exes, or any other negative images from bad weather to bad times. 

2) Anything that encourages distance -- Put the cactus and your ceramic porcupine collection somewhere else. They're not helping. 

3) Anything with a chill factor -- If it's cold, it's bad news. Move the refrigerator and the poster of the polar bear unless you want your relationship to cool too. 

4) Singles only -- Avoid photos of yourself alone here, your one-slice toaster and that picture of you as the lone, uncoupled bridesmaid at your cousin Bertha's wedding. Single-girl (or single boy) reminders have got to go. 

5) Games -- If you want to avoid games in your relationship, you've got to avoid them here. 

6) Distractions - Something coming between you and your one-and-only? Maybe it's the big screen TV or your decoupage supplies. Put them somewhere else. 

Try these simple techniques to add a little (or a lot) of toe-curling romance to your life. You'll never know how good it can be unless you're willing to give it a shot.

Fulfilling For Our Dreams : If I Could Reach Higher

This week my eyes, along with countless millions of others around the globe, have been focused on Sydney, Australia for the XXVII Olympic Games. 

Sports have never excited me much, at all, in my entire life. You will never see Monday Night Football, baseball, basketball, or hockey on my television set. Maybe, now and then, I'll watch World Cup Soccer. However, in small doses, The Olympic Games is the exception to this rule for me. 

I am not interested, per se, in the actual different sporting events of the Olympic Games. Rather, I am drawn to the competitors and the unique stories of their rise to Olympic status. I watch, with admiration, as these young athletes compete with others from around the world to reach for their dream of Gold. They have been training, long and hard, in their particular event for most of their lives, and training even more intensively these past four years leading up to the Games. 

I have seen more sporting events in this past week than I have in the past four years since the close of the 1996 Olympic Games in Atlanta. Why do I really watch, you might ask? I love to watch individuals reaching for their dreams. It is inspirational for me, as a person, to watch these young men and women truly putting forth every effort to achieve their dreams. They inspire me, as an individual, to reach higher in fulfilling my own dreams. 

There are, and there will be, many stories and memories from these Olympic Games in Australia. Many come to my mind right now, such as the determination, relentless training, teamwork, and support of a small town that enabled the Romanians to bring home the Gold, both individually and as a team, in the women's gymnastics competition. Though, for me, I would have to say that, truly, the one face I will always remember is that of Marion Jones, track and field athlete from the United States. Up until this week, I had never heard of Marion Jones. Earlier this week, I watched a biography of this young woman's life-long struggle to get to the Olympics. Two days later, she was center stage in the eyes of the world as she prepared for her first Olympic Event, the Women's 100 Meter Run. My eyes also were fixed on her as she prepared to begin her event. During the preparations for the race, my mind journeyed back four years to the closing ceremonies of the Olympics in Atlanta. That evening, as we viewed a collage of highlights from those XXVI Olympic Games, singer Gloria Estefan sang a song that she had written called "Reach." I would like to share the lyrics of Gloria's song that were playing in my mind as Marion prepared to go after her first Olympic Gold medal. 

Some dreams live on in time forever These dreams, you want with all your heart 

And I'll do whatever it takes 

Follow through with the promise I made 

Put it all on the line 

What I hoped for at last would be mine 

If I could reach, higher 

Just for one moment touch the sky 

From that one moment in my life

I'm gonna be stronger

Know that I've tried my very best 

I'd put my spirit to the test

If I could reach 

Some days are meant to be remembered

Those days we rise above the stars 

So I'll go the distance this time 

Seeing more the higher I climb 

That the more I believe 

All the more that this 

Dream will be mine 

If I could reach, higher 

Just for one moment touch the sky

From that one moment in my life

I'm gonna be stronger 

Know that I've tried my very best 

I'd put my spirit to the test

If I could reach 

If I could reach, higher 

Just for one moment touch the sky 

From that one moment in my life 

I'm gonna be stronger

I'm gonna be so much stronger

Yes I am 

I put my spirit to the test 

If I could reach, higher

If I could, if I could 

If I could reach

Reach, I'd reach, I'd reach

I'd reach, I'd reach so 

much higher 

be stronger 

As I watched Marion, I admired her composure, and that ever-present smile to us all. As I watched the false starts and regrouping to begin the race, what I saw in Marion was confidence, concentration, discipline, patience, faith, and love... all of which, I am sure, she has practiced her entire life. 

Marion did, indeed, reach higher with all her heart. She followed through with her promise, and put it all on the line to realize her dream of Gold at the Olympics. She was strong and put her spirit to the test. She climbed higher that evening than she ever had gone before in her life. She believed in herself, and went the distance, to reach her dream. 

As she crossed the finish line, victorious, she beamed that infectious smile we all have grown to love. What I witnessed, and what radiated from her, was love. Love is what I have seen so many times in the Olympics. Love is what attracts me to watch athletes like Marion compete. I wish to be present, in the moment, to see these athletes' love for themselves, their family, friends, team mates, coaches, and the rest of us in the world. 

Marion Jones, thank you for setting an example and inspiring us all to reach higher for our dreams, and, more importantly, to reach higher for love.

Educating Yourself About The Art of Loving

Katherine Anne Porter wrote, " Love must be learned, and learned again and again; there is no end to it." Katherine Anne is right: there is no end to it. Each day, we need to love ourselves. Each day, we need to demonstrate our love for our partner and family, and for all those we encounter. So how do we get to the point where we are able to show our love for others and ourselves every day? I feel that the answer lies in how we view love. In his book published in 1956, The Art of Loving, Erich Fromm describes love as an art that requires effort, knowledge and practice. To view love as an art is to imagine that the capacity for love is a seed that lies within each of us, and that growing that seed is solely our own responsibility. 

The practice of any art requires knowledge. By virtue of the fact you are reading this article, I assume you are seeking knowledge about the art of loving. Many of us today are reading books by authors like John Gray, Barbara De Angelis, John Bradshaw, Thomas Moore, and countless others. The reason we are reading is quite simple: we are seeking more knowledge about love and relationships. It's very apparent, from the number of seminars, tapes, videos, and books available, that there is need for this type of knowledge. 

Have you attended a seminar or read a book on relationships in the last year? Whether you have, or have not, is not important right now. What is important is that you recognize that knowledge is the first step. Take responsibility for your own education. Participating in a seminar or workshop, reading a book, and even reading this article is a gesture of loving yourself. Just do not forget that knowledge acquisition is a continuous process; it does not stop after one or two seminars, or after reading a few books. It takes effort on your part to gain the knowledge you need. Instead of just sitting watching television, you are reading this article right now, but it does not mean the effort has to end once you finish reading what I have to say here. You just may feel inspired, with new ideas on life, love, and relationships. It's up to you to put in the effort to incorporate these ideas into your life... and to keep them alive. It's not going to be easy-- it's going to require hard work and effort. You cannot change life-long habits overnight, after reading one article. Somehow, with the pace of life and the conveniences we now have, we have come to expect things to happen instantly. Improving our relationships and ourselves is about changing old habits, some of which we have had since childhood. These changes do not occur instantly, but require continuous effort over time. 

What exactly does "effort" mean, when it comes to loving? In my opinion, effort is time and action. When you get up tomorrow morning, take the time to ask yourself: How can I be more loving to myself today? How can I give more love to my partner? What action can I take to give love today? Use your imagination to come up with creative ways of showing love for yourself and others. Take the time to follow through with your thoughts and put them into action. I am not talking about lavish gifts or tropical holidays; it's the little continuous gestures of love that count. Having a bubble bath, making yourself a special dinner, taking a mental health day from work, sleeping in, taking a drive in the country, spending time at a hobby, curling up with a good book, or even reading material like this or attending a workshop or seminar are gestures of loving yourself. You can give love to your partner in many little ways, too: A telephone call during the day to say, "Hi, how are you? I was thinking about you...," bringing home a single flower or a little gift, going for an evening walk together, giving spontaneous hugs, holding hands, giving a back rub, showering together, reading aloud to one another, or leaving a little love note on the bathroom mirror... the list goes on and on. All it takes is imagination. The possibilities are endless. Its just taking the time for each other, talking during the day, and expanding your knowledge about one another that's important. 

We will never know everything. That is the beauty of life, and, more importantly, that is the beauty of love -- for they are really both one in the same. Remember it all starts with you. Take the time to expand your knowledge of love, and practice The Art of Loving, always, to create the loving life you deserve.

Loving Without Losing Yourself!

You are in love and it feels wonderful. This love is different and you are prepared to do anything to make it last. To prevent this ship from sinking you work hard to steer this relationship into a safe harbor. In the process you lose yourself and your romantic relationship becomes all-consuming! 

When Kyra fell head-over-heels for Dan she went out of her way to create the wonderful relationship she had always wanted. She found herself at every hockey game or computer show, watching horror and science fiction movies, at parties with his friends and on vacations with his family. At home, things were not much different. Kyra cooked his favorite meals, kept the house just the way he liked it and listened to the music of his choice. On Dan's advice, Kyra cut her hair short, wore less make-up and exchanged her up-beat wardrobe for conservative pieces. She gave up on her dream to become a firefighter, because Dan thought this profession would interfere with their relationship. She had even given up her night classes, because they cut into their dinnertime. For Dan, this relationship was perfect. All his needs were met and his expectations fulfilled. In an effort to not disappoint him, Kyra lived in constant anxiety over doing everything right for him. She had adapted to his lifestyle, learned to defend his views and even began to talk like him. Kyra's friends witnessed her change from a spirited, easygoing and happy woman to a subdued, obedient and pleasing personality. This relationship had sucked the life out of Kyra, yet she was the last to notice. 

While compromise in a relationship is a necessary ingredient for it's success, denying the core of who you are is not. When you finally realize that an all-consuming relationship is depleting you, there will be nothing but resentment and identity-conflict. You will encounter great difficulty in reclaiming yourself while remaining in that same relationship. No matter how much he loves you, he loves the person you project for his benefit. He cannot love what he doesn't know yet, the real you! The outcome of such a relationship is usually a heart-breaking crisis, with no one but you to blame. 

The opposite of an all-consuming relationship is a half-hearted relationship. In this relationship you withhold affection until the evidence is in that the other is hooked. I love you, if you love me first is a common trend in newer and many long-term relationships. Fearing that you will give more love than you receive, you put him on probation while gauging your own behavior carefully. You want to control the power and maintain the advantage in this relationship. You judge him according to your expectations and keep track of how he measures up. The higher he scores, the more you are willing to reward him with love and affection. This conditional view imposed by one or even both partners creates tremendous emotional insecurity and prevents the relationship from evolving. 

Mr. Scanner and Ms. Grateful have been together for over a year. She has enduring faith that this relationship will be her final one. While she is building “castles in the sky”, Still, Mr. Scanner continues to seek out other available females. Even though he appreciates Ms. Grateful, he has not allowed himself to truly love her. Thinking there might be something better around the corner, he fails to commit wholeheartedly. When one partner has one foot out of the door, both remain emotionally unavailable making it impossible to built a meaningful relationship. More interested in being loved than loving, Mr. Scanner will eventually seek a cure on greener pastures. Instead of fertilizing his own lawn, he may find the cure to be worse than the cause. 

All-consuming or halfhearted relationships are not only very unnatural, but also highly unhealthy for each partner. As a matter of fact, these relationships hinder your personal growth and interfere with your happiness. Ironically, both types are guided by fear. In an all-consuming relationship, fear of not being loved, not being good enough as well as fear of abandonment and failure is the driving force. In a halfhearted relationship, fear of being hurt and becoming vulnerable prevents you from knocking down protective walls and opening your heart. 

Is there a happy medium? How do you love wholeheartedly without losing yourself? Loving wholeheartedly while preserving your identity and staying the course in life requires a clear roadmap. It also requires a very different perspective of relationships. It appears that while relationships have become far more difficult to maintain, the approach to relationships has become more simplistic. Just make a wish list and check your prospective lover's qualities against your wish list. Even though you know that relationships require work, deep down you cling to a sweet illusion that meeting the right person is all it takes. You will then take off on your magic carpet ride. Think again! Soon that magic rug will be pulled from underneath you. Welcome to the real world of the 21st century. Today, relationships are more defined by social influences than by character. Consequently, you have come to believe that a loving relationship has to provide you with as many benefits as possible. If it looks as if your partner is giving less than you do, you are likely to “check out.” 

No matter how you define love, relationships are, and have always been, about loving each other. While love is a must, it is not the sole answer to meaningful relationships. Your relationship IQ may consist of controlling and manipulating him into what you need him to be. You want him to be understanding, listening, compassionate, loyal and trustworthy. It is important that he is real and does not play games. In short, you long for a partner who is wholeheartedly behind you. Ask yourself, are you the same partner? Do you reveal the real you? How much do stage your behavior to keep this relationship afloat? Ironically, many lack the qualities they seek in their partners. How about you? When you fail to give what you seek from him, don't be surprised if it backfires. While there are many right things you can be or do in a relationship, the most important is being the best real you. While putting all your eggs in one basket is a bad investment policy, it is essential in all relationships. If only a part of you is invested, the relationship becomes fueled by go-nowhere-energy and that is exactly where the relationship will land you: nowhere. Once you are comfortable in your relationship, throw your whole heart into it and then try to catch up. If you want a wholehearted relationship, be a wholehearted partner and always remember: You can never get more than you give! 

Listen to your heart, for it is so much smarter than you are. When it feels right, feel the fear and love anyway. Love without hesitation and with all you heart. There will never be a fearless way of loving or living in your lifetime. It is true that choosing the wrong partner is detrimental to your health and wealth, but failing to take action when it is right can be equally destructive. Don't let your fear of rejection and getting hurt kill your desires or steal your dreams. You may have stared in the face of love before. Maybe you “chickened-out.” Next time, don't be a chicken! 

If you are in a relationship and love each other, here is a universal truth: Love is choice and if you choose it wholeheartedly, you are never going to lose it. Love teaches you to become a better human being. Restore your faith in love and become emotionally available to each other. Put your fears and your past behind and accept this lesson. Become lovable by being loving. Learn to trust by trusting yourself. Giving in to love does not mean losing yourself. Yet, even when it is safe to open your heart, you may feel weakened by the anxiety that this love will disappear. 

When in love, how do you preserve your identity and course in life when? Here is the number one reason for losing yourself in a relationship: Your belief that love is something you either deserve or not! Your misguided belief leads you to counterproductive efforts to do almost anything to get love and even more to hold onto it: 

• You modify your identity to gain approval and love from your partner.
  
• You hold back intimacy to protect your vulnerability.
  
• You have a need to manipulate your partner and the course of this relationship.
  
• Your fear of abandonment paralyzes you
  

Yet, in reality, love either exists or it doesn't. There is nothing you have to be, or do, to earn it. When it is love, there is very little if anything you can do to destroy it. If there is no love, there is nothing you can do to force it. Love is something that you deserve and if you can believe that, you will accept that: 

• You can be loved even if you are not perfect
  
• You can be loved just as you are
  
• You can be loved while keeping your course in life
  
• You can be loved without getting lost in love
  
• You can be loved while pursuing your life's dreams
  
• You can be loved, let go and let be
  

Love is the most powerful human lesson you are ever to learn. It is about overcoming the past and realizing your human potential, a purposeful interdependence through which you become so much more than on your own. Maybe this is why we fear being loved as much as we fear not being loved. Love has so many more solutions than it has problems. Love is not a commodity that is supposed to make you happy. Once you can understand that love is not something to be found, rather it is in you to be shared, you can love wholeheartedly without fear. Don't turn your back on love every time it touches you, because when you give up on love you give up on yourself.

Is It Fantasy We Seek, Or Is It Love?

For many of us, love begins with deep passion, romance, and hot steamy sex. This is what I call the first stage of love, the euphoric stage. You are together all the time, love everything about each other, see no faults in one another, and cannot seem to keep your hands off each other. As time goes by, you get to know one another. The party manners disappear, and you begin to see that your loved one is not so perfect, after all. This is the point where, if you are expecting perfection in another person, you will become disenchanted, and the relationship will end. You cannot expect perfection in anyone, including yourself. If you do, you are living your life in fantasy, and always will be disappointed. 

Contemplate this for a moment: you have just met the person of your dreams. You are attracted to this person physically; he or she has a great sense of humor, is affectionate, romantic, and a fabulous lover. Your new partner does all the right things, pushes all the right buttons, and you have -- and I hate this phrase -- fallen head over heels in love. One day, your perfect, remarkable partner begins to irritate you. You may discover that this person is a slob. All of a sudden, you cannot stand being in his or her place because it's such a pig pen. One day you notice that your once-flawless love, who has run out of clean underwear, goes to the laundry hamper to retrieve a slightly less soiled pair. You go into the bathroom to find it flooded with water from the shower, his razor stubble, or her make-up and toothpaste, lining the sink. To top it all off, if it is a man in question, he left the lid up or did not flush the toilet. So do you dump this person? Based on my experiences in life, I do not think you should. 

This is an extreme example, but it could happen. Love will reach a stage where you will begin to notice your partner's shortcomings -- things that you may have overlooked before. So what do you do? Do you give up? Relationships end for many at this point, because the fantasy has been shattered. He or she is not that perfect, after all. When you come to this point, you have graduated to the next stage of relationship. It's a challenge, an invitation, to achieve a new level of intimacy with your partner. Many of us choose, at this point, not to communicate our needs or feelings, but rather to detour into anger. Out of fear, some of us repress our feelings. In many cases, we just plain run as fast as we can. These are all just normal human reactions, when faced with this awakening. Should you choose to be angry, or if you choose to repress your feelings or to run, you are missing the opportunity to rise to the next level of intimacy. 

Euphoric love ends for a reason: it is a time when your brain starts having more input than your hormones. When euphoric love ends, you have come to a stage in the relationship where you are thinking seriously about a future with your partner. Questions come to mind, such as: "Can I live with this person, the way he/she is right now?"; "Would I want to have children with this person?"; "Do I want to share the rest of my life with this person?" These are big questions, and they tend to elicit fear. The fear is totally normal, but it catches many of us off guard. Many of us take this fear as a sign that the relationship is not meant to be. In reality, this fear is a reflection of how important your relationship is becoming. When we start to consider a future that includes our partner, we tend to look at them more critically. While this is natural, it's important not to forget the positives that brought you together in the first place. Celebrate this stage in your relationship: it's a sign of growth, a love relationship on the rise. Remember, the art of loving is a lifelong commitment. It is the further development of learning to love ourselves, our partner, and all those around us. 

If you and your partner decide to commit to the further development of your relationship, you need to know that this is when the real work begins. Love cannot sustain itself. As Erich Fromm wrote in The Art of Loving, published in 1956, "The art of loving is like any craft. It requires patience, confidence, discipline, concentration, faith, and practice daily." These are words to remember. Relationships change continually. As relationships grow, the level of commitment increases and the love matures. Mature love does not occur overnight. It develops over time, and requires that you give of yourself. Examine your priorities: it all starts with loving yourself first, then loving your partner, and, finally, loving your family. Mature, committed love is the most powerful experience imaginable. It is the foundation of your relationship; without it, there really is no relationship.